Two Things I Learned Yesterday

One, I need to take a CPR class.  Last night Alex was eating dinner and Ronica, her respite worker was feeding her.  I was in the living room and heard Alex making a sound I've never heard before so I walked into the kitchen and saw her face was as red as a fire truck and she was obviously choking.  Ronica was hitting her on the back and when I ran over to her it was clear she wasn't getting enough air - tears where streaming down her face and I ripped her out of her seat, turned her over the back of her chair and started pounding on her back.  She started coughing and was getting air again, but I tell you what - she has not stopped my heart like that in a very long time.  After it was all said and done Aaron and I were discussing the fact that I have no clue how to do the Heimlich maneuver, so I'm researching classes TODAY.

I'm not sure if she was upset about choking, or if her throat hurt after that or what the problem was but about 10 minutes after we put her down to bed she was crying - really crying - twisting around in her bed, biting her arm (universal sign for her that she's frustrated or in pain) and was really ripping at her feeding tube (another universal sign for her that something's bothering her).  Alex was a real tough baby - cried ALL the time and the only thing that would calm her down was walking the room with her and patting her butt.  Since about the age of 3, and the time she got her Sleep Safe Bed, she has LOVED going to bed.  She loves being in her big bed and does not want anyone in there with her - it's her "I'm chilling out, leave me alone time" I suppose.  If you try and lay with her she puts her arms out to push you away, or will pull your hair, grab your face, etc. so it's been a very long time since I've even thought about laying with her.  Well last night since she was so upset I climbed into her bed, scooped her up and held her and instictively started patting her butt.  She calmed down, a lot, and just laid in my arms wit her head on my chest for over an hour.  Occasionally she would look up at me, rub my face and smile. It made me realize how I really missed cuddling with her and how big she's getting.  Although she had been so upset, and the earlier events had left me a bit frazzled, it was the most peaceful hour I have had in a long, long time.  I sat there reflecting on the last nine years, how so much had changed - how she's changed so much and changed US so much -  and just how lucky I was to be snuggling with her in my arms.  It was really one of those moments that I thought my heart could possibly explode with the amount of love I have for her.